Palin vs. Zuma

By Unathi Kondile

Cape Town – Um! I’d like to apologize, in advance, to all fans of Sarah Palin and Jacob Zuma.

In South Africa we have a fella by the name of Jacob “bring-me-my-machine-gun” Zuma. See, our standing South African president was recently ousted, so Zuma now heads the ruling party, but is not currently the president of the country. He may be officially elected in 2009.

Zuma never went far academically, and is notorious for making precociously conceived statements, then constantly rectifying them. He’s a charismatic leader who aims for hearts as opposed to minds.

I could spend an entire day quoting some of Zuma’s diatribes, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll draw your attention to one Sarah Palin. And no, Palin isn’t South African and she isn’t part of Zuma’s party. But she might as well be.

Sarah “vice-presidential elect” Palin has wormed her way into South Africa’s press and we now know more about her than we ever bargained to know about any Republican. She too, like Zuma, seems to aim for the publics’ hearts rather than minds. Aside from being a former mayor somewhere in Alaska, and being dubbed the ‘Killa from Wasilla’ by environmentalists, Palin has proved that our embattled almost-state-president Zuma can eat dust when it comes to her.

Here is a person who has it in her head that homosexuals just need prayer to find their heterosexual purpose in life. She believes that abortion is not an individual right but rather a divine right that cannot be practiced by those who would want it. Palin is a person who believes abstinence is the only proper way for teens to approach sex.

So let’s say the Republicans win the election. John McCain is president at around the age of 73. In his tenure as president he suffers from some old-age complications and opts for early retirement. Who’ll take over? Aha! Palin.

I’m sorry, but I’d rather have a rape-accused, pending-corruption trial president in the form of our Jacob Zuma than someone who is far flung from reality, living in an isolated idealism bubble and lacks even the most basic parenting skill of distinguishing between right and wrong for her child. We know that Palin’s 17 year-old daughter is knocked up. How can she lead a country when she can’t even break down ‘the birds and bees’ talk? Is contraception totally out of the question for this anti-this-and-that vice-presidential candidate? Abstinence in this day and age is like trying to dissuade a pig away from getting dirty in a muddy pigsty – you can’t.

The more I think about it, I’m happy right here in South Africa. Happy with the prospects of the Jacob Zuma presidency. The American Dream can wait. Far from being a dream it now seems to be veering in the direction of The American Nightmare.

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